Vandal, meet my Hippo's of Death

So this week, my car was keyed. 

If you have ever experienced this, you will know the feeling. A deep, pulsating rage that fills your body. Someone has damaged your hard earned property, and you want nothing but pure, violent revenge. 

There are many things that make me incandescent with rage, I am quite a hot headed person, but people damaging my property ranks close to the top of the list. 

I have a fair idea of the sort of neanderthal that did this to my car. A knuckle dragging dole-dosser, someone who spends their days reading The Sun, while drinking Stella on the doorstep of their council house. Someone who thinks that a trip to McDonalds is exciting and struggles to grasp the tricky concept of jeans. Someone who tucks their £6 tracksuit trousers into their white socks and would consider Jade Goody an intelligent, and insightful person. Not that they could spell insightful, or know what it means because they didn't go to school, and have an IQ south of 70. 

As you can tell, I thoroughly despise these people. Someone who is cowardly enough to key someones car instead of strapping on a pair of balls and coming and talking to my face angers me greatly. 

I'm in no doubt it is born out of jealousy. Jealousy that I have been fortunate enough to own more than 4 brain cells and have used them to get something called "a job" which earns some money. That I have enough to own and run a car, and they don't. That I speak properly, using grammar, and not slang. That I can buy shoes that aren't trainers, and own such things as a shirt, and aftershave. 

It's alright though, because I have a plan for these most cowardly and spineless of nobodies. 

Anyone caught vandalising someone else's property is arrested and brought to my house. There, at the back I will construct an amphitheatre of justice. 

It's based of the children's game "Hungry Hungry Hippos". The culprits will be placed in the centre of the ring, and 4 very angry, genetically engineered super Hippos will be on chains around the ring. 

These super hippos, or "Hippos of Death" will be bred for one purpose: eating people. Lots of people. 

They will be let loose at the convicted, and with the people whose property they have vandalised watching from the stands, the Hippos of Death will tear them limb from limb. Any who manage to survive this, will have their heads cubed and their bodies minced through a piece of agricultural machinery of my choice. 

Think of Saw, but with Hippos as scary as Godzilla on his period thrown in.

This will deal brilliantly with those that felt the need to vandalise peoples cars, it will serve as a deterrent for any would be vandals in the future and would be fantastic entertainment. We could screen it on ITV, get Arnold Schwarzenegger to host it, it would be brilliant! 

Anyone who thinks this is too harsh on these vandals, clearly hasn't ever had their car keyed.